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Tweet: If you catch your boss managing by proxy, it is your priority to stop this in its tracks by preemptively taking charge and acting on it.
Management by proxy comes into play when a manager or supervisor does not give you their first-hand input on how you are performing, behaving, or interacting with others, but takes these inputs from those they trust or from those in their inner circle (their pets). They often bring such observations into discussions with you as if they have themselves observed you and start telling you what you need to do to improve, what, to them, seems off-track. Some of my clients come to me puzzled—even baffled—when what they hear from their manager does not remotely comport with their own account of how they see what is going on or what they see as their own actual play in that script.
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What compounds this proxy problem further is that if a manager has a large inner circle of pets it is difficult to pin down or even surmise where a particular input may be coming from. Further, if the manager is coy, but acts as if they are confident about the observation it is difficult for clients who are not as assertive as they need to be to challenge them and ask for specifics to make those remarks actionable and for the client to improve their standing in their manager's eyes.
What exacerbates a client's plight further is that if they have pangs of guilt at some level or that they infer something negative about themselves from the accusation (the power of suggestion) the normal response is to get defensive or to acquiesce (this is how psychics con their unsuspecting prey). Getting defiant takes a different approach. So, what do you do in cases where a “proxy manager” manages you and you want to go defiant on them? Here is my list:
- In many cases where client comes to me there is a ratcheting history of this proxy behavior. Initially, it starts with little or benign observations. If the client does not probe further and takes that input as valid then slowly the proxy behavior ratchets up from benign to venomous and increasingly more malicious statements about your missteps are brought to your attention.
- So, a good countermeasure for management by proxy is to challenge the very first such encounter with your manager and ask them to provide you the when, the who, the what, the where, and the how. Making the manager increasingly more uncomfortable will be a good countermeasure to stop this vicious practice in its tracks. After you challenge your manager in early such encounters it is to your benefit to say, Jim, I am here to improve and to provide you the best performance I know how. So, for this to happen I need your first-hand, honest, and direct feedback. I’d appreciate if we can get this underway from now on.
- If the “proxy” behavior continues your next step is to ask for how they got this input and that you are willing to work on it if the person that relayed that to your manager is also in the room with you two to share the details of what they observed. If the manager is guilty of this practice they are going to be reticent about divulging the details. This is where you must make it clear to them that for you to succeed, and, in turn, them, you must have actionable feedback that makes sense in the context of the observable behavior. Otherwise you interpret it as gossip and as counterproductive to your effectiveness. If you convey this sentiment in such a language the manger is not likely to miss its import.
- If the manager has the courage to bring the person who reported to them your (mis) behavior then have an open discussion with the person and in that group (you, manager, and their “pet”). Make sure that you do not attack anyone in the process and stay calm and factual as you go through the process. Ask that “pet” if they would be willing to catch you when they observe such behavior directly and immediately upon any such or similar future incident. Assure them that you would be open to their input and feedback in a constructive way.
- After your forthright meetings with your manager one of two things are bound to happen: Your manager gives you direct and actionable feedback or continues managing by proxy unabated. If the former happens thank your manager for understanding your needs and helping you improve your performance; in the latter case have yet another more serious conversation with your manager and then decide if you want to continue under that manager or leave your job for another.
In one recent case of a client she was not able to take proactive action early on and her manager continued to manage by proxy with increasingly toxic interactions. Soon she had to go on a stress-related disability and finally quit her job. There is no reason for anyone to suffer through such indignities and torture. You must be vigilant and take early action to protect your health, welfare, and your career!
Good luck!